whY noT

DIE darwin DIE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yes your fish will soon no longer exist

: eternalpheonix; February 20th, 2004

Current Mood:: depressed

Current Music:: america's quite anoying voice and those of her friends

well, yet another one of those great realizations came upon me recently, and that was what is going to happen between myself and sammy, and futhermore our child. I had confronted her about the subject recently because I simply had to know. I had known since almost the begining of our relationship that she was never going to leave the states of oklahoma, texas, or arkansas. I myself have within the last year changed my opinion on staying in oklahoma as long as I originaly planed. I am moving to chicago after I graduate this school, or very shortly after. to continue my education in a place that I am very fond of. I've planed this before I ever met sammy and told so, her response was that it didn't bother her. as the years wind down, and more responsibilitys fall on me, I find that recently she still would rather stay in oklahoma than move to chicago with me, this is something I can understand but don't sit to well with. to be truthfull I don't really want to raise my child in oklahoma, yes I do know trust me I know, that some do love oklahoma, and many call it home, and never want to change it, and probably won't. but I am not one of them. yes this is in the not imediate future but something that constantly reminds me is. the fact that next semester she has decided that she doesn't want to live with jerry and lindsy (a friend of both theirs). so she would rather go back to silom springs than stay with me, I may not be that good of a person, and rather or not she wants to be with me at all, dosen't bother me as much as the fact that if such a thing happends what will happen to my child. if I end up taking her and her whole family (many of which don't like me), to court I WILL have an important part in my kids life, and I still don't want to raise it having the same experiences that I have, and most of the ones I wouldn't wish upon many happend in oklahoma. I am a little complexed of the situation. and am running out of time rather quickly.

what the FUCK!?!?!?!?!

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a week of bad recognizations

: eternalpheonix; February 18th, 2004

Current Mood:: disappointed

Current Music:: if there were any I'd be anoyed by it right now

well all in all at the end of my day, I have realized, that I have had a shitty day, then thought to my self just how fucked am I, I found out that I am both an ass and an asshole, not to long ago a friend of mine was wondering who was the bigest asshole in our group of friends, I thought about myself but refused to believe such a thing. I figured I'm an ass but in this day and age who isn't. as true as that may be I am for sure one of the worlds largest. Who would think that not only do I start arguments when I'm not intentualy tring to (because I apperently do). but I also am a sexist. a dumb ass, shalow minded, illresponsible, and above all a hypocrate. I truely do hate myself. I am often going around stating how much I hate stupid people. but now I know I am one of them. every trait anybody can have that will utterly piss me of in a person, I have. who would know. It seem that I also can't do anything correctly, it seems like every time I try to fix one thing I fuck up something else even worse. I have no true ability to do anything. every thing I've ever acompliced was in the eyes of someone else, it was about last year that I decided to stop "degrading" myself but why did I. It has only brought worse things into my life, for every thing I have "succedded" in, I have thought to myself how could I. The pitty of others I do not adore, but it turns out that has been my life. how pathetic can one truly be. my excuses all my life have been I am heavely stressed, or that I am only a man. but have I brought this stress into my life for no other reason but to use it as an excuse. I am only a man but am I a blind one. The other day I realized why I ever stoped venting to my friends the only people I would consider family at this point and pissed them all of and started another argument. I have noticed that in the past about six years every time I've tried to releave my own tension, I only grab more, and throw some at those who are tring to help me. what an ass. I have recently realized that I truely am nothing more than a mere pawn in what is life, everytime I try to run from what is typical or expected I find it on my ass. the only relief I'll ever have is my own demise. a pawn may be there and it may be condoned, and on ocasion can make something out of itself but truefuly no one cares. thus is myself, I know no one has any reason to give a damn about me but some do, and it seems that the only way I repay them is to piss them off, or fuck something up for them. isn't that so generous of me. I haven't been able to sleep in two days because I have the same thoughts runing though my head. am I truely the ass I have come to see myself as, and the only answers I have are yes, and I truely don't know. how the fuck am I suposed to go on being the shit I am, and I obviously can't avoid it, the only thing left for me is to shut the fuck up, not do anything more than what is needed, and wait till the end. it doesn't sound nice or fun but it is my last option. I have finaly grown up to realize only that I nothing more than a mere childish ass. god damn it, and I'll see myself in hell yet.

howdy

: eternalpheonix; February 17th, 2004

Current Mood:: contemplative

Current Music:: Msi - Bitches

what is up in the world of the tv people. I don't know but I do know that I had an eye opening convo last night that apperently I say things quite often that can be taken as sexist, and I hate sexist ass holes, and as much as I hate that that would also make me a hypocritical ass hole, and I don't hate anything as much as I hate hypocitical ass holes. so I am making a note to think very long before I ever open my mouth so that I don't offend anybody. so If I seem quite that is the reason. that

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ugh

: eternalpheonix; February 15th, 2004

Current Mood:: awake

Current Music:: they are red hot. who are they I don't know

well, I am just chillin,

vallentine's is over, not to rub it in anyones' face but this was quite possibly my best one yet, guess what I may have my car running soon, yippi chia yea khia yau, mother fucker. Twinkies, have you ever sat around and listend to someone talk in their sleep, it is realy fucking funny if you get the right person at the right time.Twinkies. in the past 2 days I have wantched more anime than I did all last semester. and I've realized twinkies that I haven't really been sleeping as much, so hopefully I won't burn out. I just let out a really bad and I mean bad fart. coffie shop. damn that is bad. have you ever seen a geneticaly alterd beenie babie, they are really fucking odd, whoo hoo. bionical. rember people always stay puffed., are you even still reading, I wonder how much longer you will be, and how much longer I will be typing. I must admit that I am a weakly morphing powderd ranger. have you ever told someone they were crazy then turn around and wonder if you yourself truely are a little pea. I do that quite often, but WHATEVER. my car just may be running soon, fuckin a. <---- hugh.

this should be interesting

: eternalpheonix; February 4th, 2004

Roll yer own with Antic's Sims-ulator!

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so it is like that hugh well I never

: eternalpheonix; December 15th, 2003

Current Mood:: disappointed

Current Music:: system of a down - the new guns

so out of school for a while I again am just chillin at my sisters place, but I find it to be a cool situtation. I am still working at the parking office over the break which is weird and pointless work over a break. like today myself, my boss, jose, and another random worker drove out to muskogee to replace a sigh that took a total of about 5 min. then turned around and came right back to tahlequah, this was after jose, myself, and other random worker pulled a sign out of the concreate busted the exess concreate off of the sign, then planted it into the soil. wow. but on the plus side I still get to pay bills, and eat, yeah that is good. eating I wish I were a twinky then everybody would love me though I made them hurt and I would be indestuctable yeah. Where you at Mr. Jack. so what is up with all, I see that chris has a level up I wish I had a level up, that would be superb but nyet I am still a level 1 student. that is all mwaa haa haa. peace out yalls.

blah with a litlle blibidy for texture

: eternalpheonix; November 29th, 2003

Current Mood:: touched

Current Music:: after much silence my primus cd

I am kickin it at my sisters at the moment just chillen, waiting for the dorms to open but mostly for tomarow moring, when god knows what might happen, happends. I am oh so very tired and it feels weird due to the fact that it is only 12:20 one moment

okay I'm back had to piss, and get some musac going, I have but one thing to say about that, my name is mud.

back to where I was, oh yeah, I have to appologize to those who I have offended with previous journals. I was just blowing off steam, but to a further extent of said subject, the main reason I speak up so much is because nobody ever fucking actualy listens to me unless I'm already pissed, which actualy pisses me off further.

enough of that I was starting to angry and I don't want that however I correct people when they have made an error, so that they can fix it in the future, I wish people would do that for me, so why not help them is how I look at it.

anywho did anywone have a good thanksgiving I hope most of you did, mine was okay, not bad, I spent it with thomas (not D) It was good food, but their family was obviously raised to eat different things than my family, again it was good food, I just didn't like it. but I do send my thanks for the last min. add to the "family" feast. much props. I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world.

my car now sits in ldrE parking lot and it is much motivation for me to do things now, like go to work.... on time.... for the whole period.... and maybe do my job the full time.. nah. I had fun seing some of my old tulsa crew good people, with innteresting life decisions that got them eventualy ahead, weird hugh, maybe it's just me but when the bullfrogs fly what do you thing the toads are croaking, I'm thinking something along the lines of ribit croak, ribit rib rib ribit. translation fuck the mother fucking potatoe grill. blah

I drank way to much coffie today because the whole day I've been on a tweekers bendge. and I want more, or a cigerette will work well, yeah. back in a flash

well like 10 min well I'm impressed with myself I just sucsessfully danced to a primus song, maybe it was the caffine, maybe it was the cold, but I'm thinking it was the fact that it was incredably cold out there tonight, sorry more primus coming through. but I do belive I will retire soon, since this journal took me an hour. you would never belive that that was my 3 cigerette in the past 4 days, yeah, two at the pool hall yesterday, that is becoming a tradition going to sir billiards for thanksgivin, and the other two were here back in good ol tahlee.

by god

have you ever shook hands with beef it is a good experience I recomind you all try it sometime. just find a canon boy. but a cheep one that shit doesn't come easily.

well the evening is coming to an end question if after noon is called the afternoon, would this be the aftermidnight, or rather the aftermid. all I know is I wish I had a pace car.

Nathan was a race car driver he drove so goddam fast, I never did win a checkerd flag, but I never did come in las, Nathan was a race car driver, I said hell I'm number two, with a fairlady Z and a z34, I'd light them up just for fun, ahhhhh, ahhhhh. how badly I want a five string and a stronger amp ha ha ha ha ha ha. on a lesser note I miss my girl if you are thinking sammy you would be wrong, if you think elexia, you would be wrong, if you mean brittney, you would be wrong. I mean all of the above. but one more than others, of course sammy, how bad I want a fairlady. but in time I will have mine, hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaah

well got to go for now, I am slowly gaing sanity, mwaa haa haa ha. well the pig is now attacking the zebra I must know who wins, did anywone else know that the american eagle has sex in mid air. I learned that today. is anyone still reading, I doubt that. I want a brown bever. then I can have my own song. adios me amegos I must retire, my sisters spare bed is calling me, through all the mussled cat hair. well peace and god speed

blibidy blibidy................Blahhhhh.......hhhhh